First off, I did not misspell the title. It will all make sense in the end. I promise.
I need to learn how to wait. And wait consciously, without denying my feelings and without driving myself crazy. How to just be. I need WAIT Training.
I do not just need WAIT Training for my career. I am still, almost pathetically, waiting for love. For that special someone who jumps off the page and down my pants and actually lives in Los Angeles. I just put my profile back up on the dating site after a year hiatus. If and when I actually find a potential match, there is the waiting to meet, waiting to see what they actually look like, waiting for the next date, waiting to see where it goes, or waiting for it to end.
Our lives are full of waiting. We spend endless hours in line waiting for food, waiting for entertainment, waiting to buy things, waiting to get things or ourselves fixed, and of course, waiting in the dreaded L.A. traffic. Waiting to die and waiting to live. Waiting is part of life and death. It is what we signed up for.
So how do I make it all stop? Kind of an odd conundrum. I want to find a way to stop the immobility. Maybe one way to stop waiting is to be completely present in the moment because then there is nothing to wait for. Whatever I am waiting for only exists in the future. My frustration comes from looking at my past and feeling like I should have accomplished more or done this or that. The missing link is obviously internal. So yeah, I’ve done the self- help route and therapy and Eastern philosophy and A Course in Miracles, blah, blah, blah. I know I should be embracing the NOW, living in the moment, forgetting about the past and future, and manifesting blah, blah, blah. And it is all right and true, and I get it. But why is it so darn hard to do? And then I get mad at myself for thinking that it is hard, because I should be thinking it is easy, if I really want it to happen. But I have to actually believe that and not just say it, blah, blah, blah.
My fear of waiting is not really rational. It is almost instinctual. A self- protection mechanism to soften the blow of disappointment. I actually have a lot to be thankful for. This year I booked a nice part on a major television show, Dr. Ken, and I actually had a scene with over 5 lines. I love my new manager and have been getting some great auditions and feeling confident. I am in the midst of researching and writing a love story about my gay uncle and his husband who have been together for 65 years. My uncle John was a singer, a tailor, and a war hero. He was married to a woman when he met Richard at Julliard in NYC in 1950. It was love at first site. They sang opera, taught singing together, started a vocal foundation and coached Broadway stars. They raised a son who became an actor and eventually tore the family apart with homophobia and scientology. A true story of endless love, humor, music, tragedy, and faith. For me, it has already been an inspirational, moving, and personal journey.
Or I need more sex. Look at me, making it sound like I’m actually having sex.
There is definitely a sexual component to WEIGHT training. The push, the build, and the pay off. My favorite part of sex is the tease. The give and take. That moment right before the thing I want is taken away is the most intense and powerful. The wanting and the yearning can be pleasing in itself. Especially if I am focused and concentrated and allow myself to feel it without fear of loss. In that instant I am in the abyss, the waiting, and yet the anticipation is intoxicating. The energy in that second right before the actual orgasm is, for lack of a better word, orgasmic. That payoff lives in every waiting moment. It is happening right now, constantly, and in complete nothingness. Maybe if I just give in and embrace it. Feel the spark hidden in the waiting where desire and gratification meet in the present moment. Then just maybe, that energy, in that positive space, will find a new home, where my heart, mind, and spirit can become one. Where motion is free to enter my life and I am free and ready to accept it.
Oh and Miss Casting Director, can you please just give me that audition, so I can blissfully experience the joyful, orgasmic, intensity of waiting to get the part, waiting to shoot the pilot, waiting for it to get picked up, waiting for the contract, and waiting for the money to rain down and wash me with love.